My sheets look like a crime scene.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
