Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
