Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
