Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
