so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
