It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
