So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize