I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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