true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
