Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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