Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
