I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
