I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
