well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
