I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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