grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
