I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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