Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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