just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
