I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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