You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
