I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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