So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They are going to name an STD after you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
