totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
