a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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