Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
