Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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