I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
