I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
3pm strippers are depressing
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
