Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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