i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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