bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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