I think I died a long time ago.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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