come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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