Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
