At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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