i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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