I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
