New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm always down for nudity.
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