my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
