my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
