nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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