Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
