You smell like a Billy Joel song
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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