Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
