Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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