he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
