I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
