I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
