today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
