I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
