tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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