dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
