U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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