I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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