I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
