Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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