so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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