Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
