How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
