If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
