It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
