Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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