Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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