If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
