THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
