We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
