my phone needs a breathalizer
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
