I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
